It is a month since we laid my Dad’s body to rest.
For 55 years he was my constant. Not a moment of my life was lived without his presence in this world … and I still find it hard to comprehend that his physical presence in this world has ended.
I was holding him as he died, my sister was holding his hand. He died within our embrace. I would have it no other way. He was so loved and so supported. We talked to him quietly, held him… but nothing prepares you for that moment when they die. Suddenly it’s over, the heart has stopped, the breath has stopped … he has died. And howls of grief from a well so deep inside me erupted forth. A pain so deep … and my heart shattered into a million pieces.
So I have taken this month to just come to terms with my life. When Dad died, it started a whole new journey for me. I felt myself leave the shore. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I am alone now, and so … I’ll let the current take me…
We all want someone to be there for us, whether we admit it or not, and Dad was always there for me. He did not have a computer, and so we always talked, and had a good yarn, and he was a true conversationalist. I have been out with people who found their cell phone more important than talking with me, and it made me feel like I had no value in their life … but Dad never made me feel as if I had no value. He loved me, and I knew it. And he knew I loved him too. We had each other’s back.
My sister and I were very protective of our Dad, and I would have slaughtered anyone who hurt him! But, he was a good man, and he never hurt anyone, he was gentle, and kind, and wise, and so he did not draw mistreatment to him. He could also be stubborn though! Speeds are stubborn, but my Aunt told me that my Dad had once said ‘When Robyn makes up her mind to do something, she does it.’ So I don’t think I am stubborn, so much as I am disciplined and determined. If I want to do something, I will. And I will work hard, and I won’t give up. Even today I am so tired, and so worn down, but life is calling me forth. I have to move again. I have to get up and keep going.
I am a good person, like my Dad. I am kind, like my Dad. I am loving, like my Dad. I am going to take all of that, and I am going to keep moving in my life, to keep building, to keep growing. I won’t hide from life. There were things I shared with my Dad about myself that he never knew, and he was totally accepting.
This journey ahead … feeling like an orphan … I don’t know what it is … but I want to make my Dad proud, and my Mum too (she passed away in 1996). I want them both to be proud of me, to watch over me, to witness me shine and grow. I know there will be times when they will laugh at me, and times when I will really surprise them. I also know that they are cheering for me all the time, encouraging me on, supporting me and believing in me.
It is a wonderful gift to have someone believe in you.
It is a wonderful give to have someone love you unconditionally.
I hope I am able to give these gifts as well as my Dad gave them to me. He was and is my inspiration.
You were my constant
And now my constant is your absence
It rings eternal
Your presence moved
From this world
From one room
To the next
I will walk without you
Alone in this harsh world
And I pray I can make it softer
For those yet to come
I will share the love you gave me
With no demands
I will share the kindness you taught me
And give it to all
I will share your forgiveness
And never hold a grudge
I will set free what I love
Give it wings to fly
I will step into the mud
And feel it between my toes
I will stand under the rain
And feel it through my soul
I will eat tomato sandwiches
And always think of you
Dad, you ROCK!!!!!!